Why men have nipples - A dramatic alternative insight in Human evolution

Don't let the humoristic title of this entry fool you. This is a quite serious topic. But let's start with the beginning shall we...

It was a bright sunday noon, I was washing the dishes and well... I think I'm not the only one to spend precious time on this rather plain activity where my intellect isn't needed, to think about existential questions. So here I was, thinking about women and uh... the role they have in our modern world.

When suddenly, this utmost interesting question arose: WHAT DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES FOR?!

"That's like buying a pair of shoes to a dolphin!", I thought to myself.

Fact is: most male mamals share this quite disturbing physical anomaly. But what use could a male have from this apparatus? Did evolution play a bad trick on our proud and manly gender? Or could this be a missing link in the evolutionary history of mamals? Were we once... ALL WOMEN?!

I was shocked. I had always believed that mother nature was the most perfect mechanism in the entire universe. She never did anything without a good reason up until now. So this could only mean one thing: a bug.

Let's face it: in nature, most males have a rather underranked position. Males are merely "mobile genetic tanks". A males' purpose is actually to walk around and spread his genes. The rest is mostly taken care of by lovely females. After that, the male is in theory of no great use... apart from leaving his life in combat to protect the females and the progeniture (and to take the garbage out). This could explain the very obvious need of males to constantly have sex... it could be some sort of a "prime directive" burned in our DNA. BUT WHY THOSE NIPPLES?! They're of no use in combat, hunting or even when copulating. So why should those nipples exist? Just because we'd look ridiculous without them? Even though the image of a nipple-less man is quite entertaining, I doubt the esthetic aspect could be the key for this troubling detail.

Since nature isn't exclusively made up of mamals, maybe the answer would lie elsewhere. Insects for example. Bees are mostly females. Only a couple of those big fat lazy drones bumble around for the sole purpose of reproduction. Could mamals once have been like this? And females were once fed up and told them to raise their butts from the slate-sofa and mow the prehistoric lawn in front of the cave? Even though this sounds quite realistic, this still doesn't explain the presence of the nipples.

But this aspect of female superiority in a society brings back one frightening thought: where females maybe there... before males were. Was Adam in reality Amanda? Maybe males were merely transexual mutant descendants from testosterone-loaded female amazones?! Even though this is a quite horrific picture, it would explain the nipples. And some other strange - especially homosexual - behaviors of some mamals.

Another theory could be that males did not only have nipples built-on crippled breasts, but that the breasts were once totaly functionnal. It could have been in order to help out the females feeding the babies when these were out with friends. Or maybe just to make the small lads shut up like we do today with plastic toys and ridiculous "oochy-goochy"-noises. A disgusting, but sadly highly possible reason for the presence of these useless organic gadgets.

I was beginning to realize that men were merely second roles in this female-driven world.

Damned with these ridiculous, useless and utmost dangerous (ever been twitched?) nipples.

The more I was thinking about it, the more it was getting clearer to me: God had to be an emancipated, lesbian, man-hating woman. And she didn't like the way we had placed our manly butts on the throne which was in reality reserved to the women.

So dear brothers: do yourself a favor and stay at home, learn to cook and take care of the kids while you send your wife to do the work she was intended for. And maybe one day, this malediction will end and those nipples will finaly disappear.

NB: This IS humour of a certain degree... I hope it will be understood as such ;)