I've been away the last few days, doing alot of things that some might call... uh... extreme? Let's stick to this word until I find a better one to define my latest experiences.
Whatever...
Fact is, I've had a shitload of fun and it did me real good. I can recall what my first big love once told me: "Sam, sometimes, you just have to be a bit egoistic... you don't live your life for others, you live it for yourself." ... and she was damned right (although it took me years to get this into my concrete-thick head). I somehow miss her... she wasn't just gorgeous, she was also a very wise woman... and she knew when to leave me alone. Damned! I'm getting nostalgic here! NO!!!
On the other hand, it isn't always bad to get nostalgic from time to time. I guess it all depends what gets you in this mood. For example, yesterday, I was visiting an old buddy of mine, we hadn't seen each other for over 10 fucking years! Our reunion almost looked like a cheesy scene from Casablanca... without the gay kissing... it was pretty hard to keep the tears from flowing. We spent a nice day together (along with his wife) and listened to old tracks we had written years ago... that was the moment where it grabbed my heart, almost tearing it apart... I felt thrown back in a period of my life when everything was much starting for me (musicaly speaking). That's were the rather stinky part sets in, when you ask yourself if you did something wrong, if your choices were right and so fucking on... don't get me wrong here... I'm not the lame kind of guy who regrets his choices and deeds, since regrets have only one purpose: to make you feel bad. And anyhow, you can't turn back the hands of time to change anything to it. So regrets are purely futile, useless and... well, a pain in the ass, nothing more. Still, there are these moments I'd really like to live through again... not to change anything to them, rather to experience the feelings that these moments caused all over again. Anyhow...
After that day with my friend, while riding home to my ranch, I had this warm and tender sensation of wellbeing all within myself. It was like carrying something really precious that noone else had. I still have this sensation... dunno.. maybe it's the alcohol, maybe the drugs... or maybe the chili I had for diner...
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3 commentaires:
I must say that you just had what I am still looking for, tho I had it a couple of times. Thinking about your own fucking self is such a great thing cause you discover yourself, again.
And fuck it, when we'll grab ourselves together, be sure to bring kleenex. Not that we shall cum, at all *oups*
I'll make sure to stick two rolls of toilet paper beneath my eyes.. just in case..
No, just joking...
But on the other hand, I guess it'll still be quite a scene. How long do we know each other from internet? 5 or 6 years? And we actually never met in person... this HAS to have some emotional effects...
Anyhow, the last few days have awaken something within myself, that's for sure. Something that was deeply asleep for a long time... too long if you ask me.
And the moral of the story is:
Feeling alive is a great thing, feeling down because of others sucks.
Until we meet, CM!
I've known you on the internet... let's say 2001, on NZone and all. BUT i've known you since PCTeam in 1996 i guess, with some tracks. Then, well, 10years? Fuck, we're getting old...
Oh by the way, toilet paper rules =)
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